shut up and listen

4 August 2009

Tonight I was reading some old journals from a particular time.  Mostly because these days I’ve been feeling much the same as I was then.  I’m needing change.  It’s all I think about and yet I seem to be at a loss as to how to go about figuring out how to affect it.

I was reading those journal entries because back then I managed to start walking toward the change, and I made it happen. I really need to remember how I managed to start walking, because right now I feel as if I’m standing in the middle of some great expanse and have no idea which direction to go.  One wrong move and I’m stuck again.

I do know that back then it started with me paying attention to the universe.  And taking small steps.  But then hoo boy, those steps got big really fast.  It was like I turned into a giant and with my giant’s legs I took an enormous leap with both giant feet.   And I wrought giant change.  Crazy big, numbing, life altering change.  ChangES.  And frankly it took me and my giantness a long time to float back up to the top.

I don’t think the changes I desire/require will take me to the bottom of the ocean this time.  But just, you know, life altering would be good.

I often wonder if it’s me.  If I’m just the type of person who courts busyness and upset, and because of this lifelong restlessness will never have a quiet, content existence.  I look at other people with envy sometimes because it just seems as if they are living their lives.  I always seem to be looking to where I’m not now.  I’m wondering if I’ll ever get to the point where I’m just living the life I want to live.

There’s a gentle and fulsome moon outside my bedroom window as I write this.  She’s telling me about rhythm and deliberate steps and being present and open to the things that fall into my path.

Doesn’t seem so exhausting from that perspective, does it?

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